Follow The Suffering
While leaving Mormonism I realized the incredible extent to which I was capable of believing things not at all based in reality. Why was I able to accept illusions as unquestionable truth for as long as I did? Because it was an effective treatment for suffering. It didn’t necessarily solve suffering, which isn’t really possible, but the illusions provided a believable-enough narrative around suffering to make them liveable and provided me a way to focus my attention on other things besides suffering so I could be productive. The narrative began to collapse when new evidence cast doubt on the legitimacy of the narrative’s truth claims. At the same time the amount of suffering I felt began to be too much for the narrative to explain away. So, my belief system fell to pieces.
Since then I’ve embarked on the (never-ending) quest for a new belief system. Starting out I wanted to discover and dismantle other unhelpful beliefs that cause me suffering. I began asking the following question: “What else do I accept unquestionably as reality that is just as made up as Mormonism?” The best strategy to peel that onion, that I’m aware of, is to follow the suffering. Glennon Doyle speaks to this in the book Untamed: “It turned out that what I needed most was inside the one place I’d been running from my entire life: pain. Everything I needed to know next was inside the discomfort of now. As I practiced allowing my hard feelings to come and stay as long as they needed to, I got to know myself. The reward for enduring hard feelings was finding my potential, my purpose, and my people.”
Following suffering with the goal to shed all beliefs that are in opposition to reality turned out to be a less optimal goal than I thought. Reality is overrated. As time passed this quote from Steven Weinberg became all too real: "The more the universe seems comprehensible, the more it also seems pointless." Getting closer to reality made me feel depressed until I realized that getting closer to “reality” is not the ideal objective. First of all, unless you’re the Buddah, seeing reality as it is isn’t really an option for the brain. The only thing that can replace a belief is another belief. Even the belief, “it’s all pointless,” is itself a belief. Maybe that belief is a little more accurate, but is it helpful? In this sense the goal of following the suffering isn’t necessarily to make our beliefs more accurate; it’s to make them more functional.
The balance between accurate and functional beliefs is a difficult one. In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, “Automatic Negative Thoughts” (ANTs) or “cognitive distortions” are the unhelpful habitual thought patterns that ‘pop up' or 'flash' in our minds without conscious thought. Thoughts like: 'I'm stupid', 'I should be a better parent', 'No one likes me', 'Things will never get better'. If left unchecked, it's possible that these repeated fleeting thoughts can be mistaken as reality and even be considered helpful.
One solution to these distortions is to take advantage of the healing effects of reality: Counter each automatic thought with a “Rational Response”—the more rational, less upsetting thought that can substitute for the automatic one. Therapists stress that the point isn’t to try to cheer yourself up by rationalizing or saying things you do not believe are valid. Instead, recognize the truth. Is it true you’ll be lonely forever when you’re turned down for a date or are you overgeneralizing? Does that single negative comment made by your partner mean the relationship is hopelessly lost or are you discounting the positives? Does that look on the other person’s face mean they really are disappointed in you or is there a chance you’re not as good of a mind reader as you think?
While “reality-testing” automatic thoughts does introduce opposing beliefs that are more accurate, that accuracy has a limit. Not all accurate beliefs are helpful. It’s at the confluence of accuracy and functionality--a tightrope balance--where beliefs become most useful.
I find Jordan Peterson’s quote helpful in this regard: “The purpose of life is to find a mode of being that is so meaningful that the fact that life is suffering is no longer relevant.” Suffering, like meaning itself, is in the eye of the beholder. To phrase Peterson’s quote another way: the purpose of life is to have a purpose of life. Meaning is an end in itself -- however it’s derived -- and some purposes of life make suffering more tolerable than others. The task of modern life is a constant process of updating and refining our beliefs so that they are the most functional towards making suffering irrelevant. Follow the suffering with this goal in mind: Which beliefs are accurate enough to be functional in fostering the most wholesome, happy, encouraging, uplifting and satisfying life to you and those around you?