The Comfort Zone Is Not Comfortable
The number one priority of the primitive human mind was to look out for anything that might cause harm -- and avoid it. Channeling any surplus attention to worrying about not being killed would prove to be enormously useful. It is far better to assume that a stick is a snake and be relieved if you are wrong, than to assume a snake is a stick and die of a venomous bite if you are wrong.
Besides constantly scanning your surroundings for danger, ensuring that your group doesn't kick you out would also be a worthwhile obsession. If your clan boots you out, it won’t be long until the wolves find you. A persistent hum of questions like -- Am I fitting in? Am I doing the right thing? Am I contributing enough? Am I as good as the others? Am I doing anything that might get me rejected? -- keeps you safely ensconced within the tribe.
Barring an attack from your environment or your tribe, the next objective to prolong your life would be to get more stuff and get better stuff. Better weapons, better homes, more food, more children. A steady and persistent dissatisfaction with the present ensures the accumulation of evermore layers of protection, ties with other tribe members and security.
In sum: The better our ancestors became at anticipating and avoiding danger, comparing themselves to others and never being satisfied with their situation was a ticket to a longer life, more children and more security.
Their effective strategies for staying alive are our twenty-first century sources of anxiety and depression. Since there are no more saber-toothed tigers around, our minds have fixated on the next closest thing to worry about; losing a job, being good parents, getting a speeding ticket, embarrassing ourselves in public or a million other common worries. The same device in the brain that once triggered fear and anxiety at the suspicion that a bear might be around the corner is now triggered at the thought of getting taxes turned in on time.
A common assumption is that it’s the feelings of anxiety, fear and greed that are to blame. If we could just get rid of those “negative” feelings we would feel good all the time. But getting the mind to stop fearing what it can’t control, judging itself and the world or striving for more isn’t a fight we can realistically win. That isn’t to say it’s not worth trying; but we stand little chance of winning with millions of years of evolution stacked against us. It’s not the feelings that are the problem, it’s our judgemental thoughts and attempts to control feelings that are. Letting go of control is a more feasible approach to dealing with feelings than banishment.
I was leaving a social event recently held on a roof-top bar. The picturesque sun was just going down and as I walked towards the elevator, past groups and couples smiling and laughing, I felt a pang of sadness. It was barely a feeling, more like a wistful nostalgia for a time or experience I can’t place. That feeling was enough for my mind to jump at the opportunity. The sadness was quickly identified as shame and guilt for not being more social and having more friends. Suddenly it wasn’t the original feeling of sadness that lingered but self-condemnation for feeling lonely. “Only losers feel lonely,” my mind seemed to say. “You deserve feeling lonely because you’re no good. That you felt it, proves it’s true.”
In an attempt to rid ourselves of negative feelings, usually the advice is to talk back to the feelings of fear and anxiety by saying something like, “It’s just taxes, not a tiger.” “Your social calendar is no measure of your self-worth.” While it is helpful to acknowledge that feeling anxious is not the same as being in danger and that feelings aren’t facts, the problem is usually not in the feeling, it’s in the judgment of the feeling that gets piled on.
Techniques for ridding yourself, bypassing or avoiding feelings are attempts at control. Trying to control feelings is a paradoxical effort that is guaranteed to backfire. “What you resist, persists.” It ignores the fact that thoughts are meaningless and harmless and don’t require controlling. The attempt to control them reinforces the wrong message. It suggests urgency, importance, and danger, when none exists. These feelings aren’t “negative,” they are the natural feelings that millions of years of evolution have gifted us. The preferred state of the brain -- its comfort zone -- is a state of worry, anxiety and discontent. It’s possible to make that zone our comfort zone as well.
When we accept and allow feelings rather than push them away, we can feel comfortable in any emotional state. Although uncomfortable thoughts, feelings, memories, urges and sensations are very good at threatening you, they never actually cause you any physical harm. Why not? Because they can’t. They physically can’t even touch you. All they can do is pretend to be terrifying. They are very good at threatening you but can never actually cause you physical harm. The only power they have is the ability to intimidate. Once you realize they have no capacity to physically harm you -- then you’re free.
We’ve wrongly defined the comfort zone as a comfortable pair of sweatpants and a couch. The real ideal comfort zone is the one nature has endowed to us; feeling all the feelings, no matter what they are, with equanimity. As soon as we start to do something new, our mind will start warning us: you might fail, you might make a mistake, you might get rejected. It warns us with negative thoughts, disturbing images, bad memories and a wide range of uncomfortable feelings and sensations. And all too often we judge ourselves for having these very natural feelings and let them stop us from taking our lives in the direction we really want and then we have the audacity to call this state of being the “comfort zone.” This so-called comfort zone is definitely not comfortable. It should be called the misery zone or the missing out on life zone.
A full life is possible when you become comfortable with discomfort, where you feel the full range of human emotions. Change the definition of your comfort zone and change your life.